For the record, I consider myself more agnostic than atheist because I don’t pretend to know what is (or isn’t) out there. Organized religion is basically mythology, but I do think it’s possible that some sort of energy or as-yet-unknown matter influences the universe. Not a man with a beard, though. Or even a woman with a beard.
No matter what you believe, these atheist jokes should make you laugh (or at least groan):
– Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
– Q: How does an athesist have her hair cut?
A: In big bangs
– This one makes fun of everybody:
Taoism – Shit happens.
Buddhism – If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam – If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism – Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism – Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism – This shit happened before.
Catholicism – Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna – Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism – Send more shit.
Atheism – No shit.
Jehova’s Witness – Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism – There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science – Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism – Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Rastafarianism – Let’s smoke this shit!
Existentialism – What is shit anyway?
Stoicism – This shit doesn’t bother me.
– An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist”
– One day, a zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books?” “Well,” said the orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”-
– Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this – take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered!
– I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. But now that I’m older, I don’t fall for that shit anymore. Thank God!
Got any atheist jokes of your own? Please share in the comments!
photo credit: Foomandoonian